Tombs of the Blind Dead
Script Tease salutes fine cinema. Tombs of the Blind Dead (1971, directed by Amondo de Ossorio) is a Spanish zombie flick featuring some very old, very deteriorated ghouls. The Templars have risen from the grave and up to no good, terrorizing any attractive Spaniard foolish enough to set foot on their turf. Don't expect Romero-style, fresh-faced zombies here--these baddies have been dead for centuries and wear black robes to hide their skeletal frames. There's no sense in getting caught up in any slow zombie vs. fast zombie debate here, because this pack of the living dead travels on horseback.
A bit of trivia: This film was also released as Revenge from Planet Ape, in order for drive-in theaters to cash in on the popularity of Planet of the Apes. Apparently, they thought that a block of expository text shown at the beginning of the film was enough to convince moviegoers that the horse-riding zombies were not Templars risen from the grave, but a pack of monkeys from outer space.
Hellgate
Have you ever wondered what it would be like to see Arnold Horshack go down on someone? You’re in luck: From the makers of Hellraiser and Hellbound comes . . . well, something that will make you feel like you’ve gone to hell simply by watching it. Follow Matt (Ron Palillo) and cohorts into as they ride the purple Jeep of justice into Hellgate (or as the town is inexplicably referred to in the film, “Lucas Carlisle’s Hellgate.)
Hellgate (1989, dir. William A. Levey, written by Michael O’Rourke, two dudes who, according to IMDB, never made another movie after this) has got it all--and believe you me, you don’t want even half of it. Lowlights include: A motorcycle gang with brand new, uber clean denim (guess they couldn’t afford leather) jackets that are stiff and had obviously never been worn; phony shoobie-do-wop 50’s music; some dumb-ass crystal that shoots a blue laser beam that either 1) brings the dead back to life, 2) makes stuff explode, or, 3) does both; and a puzzling story-within-a-story framework that has a 50’s motorcycle gang abducting a girl and driving off to (Lucas Carlisle’s) Hellgate, an 1890’s ghost town for tourists--as told by a group of cabin occupants with bad late 80’s hairstyles. Watch it and feel the dizzying effects of time travel without ever leaving your home. Despite any nausea you’ll still long for a time machine--to take you back to those blissful days before you ever cast your gaze on the steaming pile of nonsense that is Hellgate.
Chopping Mall
Script Tease salutes fine cinema everywhere. This week's selection is none other than 1986's Chopping Mall, directed by Jim Wynorski. A team of newly-constructed security droids go ape-poopy when a lightning strike hits the mall they're patrolling. Thank goodness it's after hours and the mall is abandoned . . . oh, wait--looks like they forgot the six party animals (well, there's one stick-in-the-mud, bien sur) spending the night in the furniture store (A furniture store in a mall? Must be a 1986 thing . . . ). Their plans to drink a lot of beer and get it on on the hide-a-beds are foiled when a triumvirate of Killbots (that's what they're called--comforting name for a mall security team, innit?) rains unholy hell on their parade. There's enough corn and cheese in this one to make some sort of dish involving a great deal of corn and cheese.
Bad logic abounds: Why are the robots programmed to kill any sort of intruder on sight? This is before the lightning strike that makes them extra-murderous. It seems like the owners of the mall are setting themselves up for some nasty litigation. Bad science too: Apparently the zap from above somehow also gave the Killbots the ability to shoot lasers out of their eyes. Yeesh.
The Crazies
Script Tease salutes fine cinema everywhere. This weeks offering comes from legendary horror director George Romero. The Crazies (1973) is the story of the accidental release of a military biological weapon and its effects on a small town. The virus causes irreversible insanity on anyone exposed (28 Days Later, anyone?). Martial law is declared and a small band of uninfected try to escape the abusive grasp of the military on their small town (28 Weeks Later, anyone?). A remake is in the works, so see the original now!
Black Roses
Script Tease salutes fine cinema everywhere . . . but we’re going to post this Black Roses trailer anyway. Hunky English teacher Matt Moorhouse (John Martin) tries to disrupt the influence of a satanic cheese-rock band from corrupting the thirty-year-old students at Mill Basin high school. Armed with Tom Selleck’s mustache and a shallow grasp of Emerson and Whitman, the no-nonsense Mr. Moorhouse does battle for the souls of his students against the evil Black Roses. If the Black Roses’ music does contain any evil, it exists solely in its lack of anything resembling quality--note the resemblance of the lead singer to bygone MTV veejay Adam Curry for added enjoyment.
The Howling
Script Tease salutes fine cinema everywhere. This week’s selection is 1981’s The Howling, directed by Joe Dante. The Howling tells the story of news anchor Karen White (Dee Wallace) who, after her encounter with a serial killer, is sent by her therapist to a resort in the country known as The Colony. Needless to say, there’s something rotten in The Colony and Karen and her husband find themselves living with a clan of werewolves so powerful that they needn’t wait for a full moon to transform. Barely escaping with her life, Karen returns to work and delivers an impassioned on-air warning that is not to be missed.
Halloween III
Script Tease salutes fine cinema everywhere. This special Halloween Edition is the infamous Halloween 3, the only in the series that does not feature Michael Myers. Released in 1982 and directed by Tommy Lee Wallace, this installment explores a conspiracy by the ominous Silver Shamrock mask company. It seems that they harbor a rather sinister motive for wanting children everywhere to wear their masks on Halloween (and to watch their signal-bearing commercials while wearing said masks). All the more reason to make your own costumes. And avoid television at all costs . . . a lowered I.Q. is the least of these kids' problems.
One word of warning: Watch Halloween 3 on Halloween and the Silver Shamrock jingle will be in you head until well past Thanksgiving.
Of Unknown Origin
Script Tease salutes fine cinema everywhere. It’s man (Peter Weller) versus beast (Really Big Rat) in this fun take on Melvillian obsession. Of Unknown Origin (1983, directed by George P. Cosmatos) pits homeowner Bart Hughes against a clever rat unwilling to vacate his lavish brownstone. With his wife and son on vacation, Hughes puts family and career on the back burner as he redoubles his effort to rid his home of the tenacious rat--nearly destroying everything he holds dear in the process.
Tenebre
Script Tease salutes fine cinema everywhere. This week’s video offering comes from Italian horror auteur Dario Argento. Tenebre (1982) is a literary giallo in which writer Peter Neal (played by Anthony Franciosa) finds that one of his novels is being used as a template in a series of brutal murders--and in some cases his books themselves are used as a murder weapon! As friends and associates begin to disappear one by one, Neal himself becomes a prime suspect. Ever wanted to become a famous novelist? Watch Tenebre and soon you’ll see that the life of a writer may not be all it’s cracked up to be.
One Man Force
Script Tease salutes fine cinema everywhere. This week, we’re offering a friendly tip-of-the-hat to One Man Force (1989, directed by Dave Trevillion). As far as we can tell, this is the only film in history in which a refrigerator is used as a hand-held weapon. Renegade-Cop-on-the-Edge Jake Swan (John Matuszak) seems to have taken more than a few desk-clearing cues from Jack Bell in this sweaty, muscular, sweat-on-muscle, adrenaline-fueled action-fest. Run, don’t walk, to your neighborhood video store--and don’t be surprised when the clerk tells you that they do not have a copy of this forgotten gem.
