The Gristling

INT. LIVING ROOM - NIGHT

PHIL Peevish watches television.  He is pudgy and in his mid-thirties.  An autographed poster of tri-athlete Doug Liston is on the wall.  The Lane LaJackson Juice Mule infomercial is playing onscreen.

TELEVISION SCREEN

Lane and Debbie continue to push the Juice Mule.

LANE

Not only do you get the Juice Mule, but a set of official Lane LaJackson sweatbands.

Debbie holds up the sweatbands.

TELEVISION STUDIO

The cameras are trained on Lane and Debbie in the Studio Kitchen.

LANE (CONT’D)

And if you order now, we’ll throw in a one-month supply of beaver tails.  That’s right, a one-month supply delivered right to your door.

The Director makes a rolling motion with his hand.

DEBBIE

I see that Jerry’s giving us the signal to move on, Lane.

STUDIO KITCHEN

DEBBIE (CONT’D)

You know what that means.

LANE

It’s time to announce the winner of our contest, Get Whipped into Shape By Lane LaJackson.

AUDIENCE

The audience waits with bated breath.

LIVING ROOM

Phil, watching the program, leans forward in his seat.

PHIL

(to self)

Come on, come on.

STUDIO KITCHEN

Debbie hands Lane an envelope.

DEBBIE

And the winner is.

Lane opens the envelope and reads the paper inside.

LANE

Mister Phil Peevish of Kibble Springs, Michigan!

LIVING ROOM

An unflattering picture of Phil appears on the television screen.

Phil jumps out of the chair and dances around the room.

PHIL

I won!  I won!  Honey, get in here!  I won!

TELEVISION

Lane addresses the camera.

LANE

That’s right, Phil.  You’ve won an all-expense trip to Los Angeles, California, where you’ll undergo a special fitness regimen, designed by yours truly . . .

KITCHEN STUDIO

LANE (CONT’D)

Lane LaJackson.

(pointing to camera)

Hey, buddy.  I’m going to get you into shape.  Or one of us is going to die trying.