The Gristling

Introducing . . . The Juice Mule!

INT. TELEVISION STUDIO - DAY

LANE LaJackson, aging fitness guru, is standing behind a kitchen counter, smiling.  He has a head full of thick gray hair and is tan and physically fit.

The cameras ready their position.  The DIRECTOR points to Lane, giving him the go-ahead.

STUDIO KITCHEN

LANE

Lane LaJackson here, founder and president of Laneco, the brand that’s synonymous with health and fitness, a name you’ve come to know and trust.  Have I got something special to share with you in the studio audience as well as the folks at home today. 

AUDIENCE

A number of out-of-shape people in workout clothes applaud.

STUDIO KITCHEN

LANE (CONT’D)

First, however, I’d like to introduce you to my assistant, Debbie.  Come on out, Debbie!

DEBBIE, a woman in her early twenties who could have a promising career in pornography, jogs in next to Lane.  She wears a pink tracksuit.  She smiles and waves. 

LANE (CONT’D)

Say hello to the nice people, Debbie.

DEBBIE

How you doing out there?  Are you ready to turn your life around?

AUDIENCE

The audience whoops and applauds.

STUDIO KITCHEN

DEBBIE (CONT’D)

It’s an honor to be her with the one and only Lane LaJackson.  And I can’t tell you how delighted I am to share in the announcement of this spectacular new product.

LANE

Let’s get right to it then, shall we?

DEBBIE

Absolutely, Lane.

LANE

Introducing . . .

Debbie reaches under the counter and picks up a small appliance.  She puts it on the counter.

LANE (CONT’D)

The Juice Mule!

DEBBIE

Ta-da!

INSERT - COUNTER

The Juice Mule, a glorified blender bearing the ubiquitous Laneco logo, sits on the countertop.

BACK TO SCENE

Debbie begins to bring out trays filled with fresh fruit and cartons of juice to the countertop.

LANE

And to truly ring in this great advance in kitchen appliances, have I got a smoothie recipe that’s going to knock your socks off.

DEBBIE

Are you ready Lane?

LANE

Let’s fire it up, Deb.

(beat)

Okay, let’s start out with a pound of fresh strawberries.

Debbie puts strawberries in the Juice Mule’s hopper.

LANE (CONT’D)

A cup of blueberries.

Debbie adds blueberries.

LANE (CONT’D)

A banana.

Debbie adds a banana.

LANE (CONT’D)

Fresh orange juice.

Debbie adds orange juice.

LANE (CONT’D)

A splash of soy milk.

Debbie adds soy milk.

LANE (CONT’D)

Ice.

Debbie adds ice.

LANE (CONT’D)

A tablespoon of Laneco’s Premium Protien Powder.

Debbie adds the powder.

DEBBIE

This is shaping up to be one delicious smoothie, Lane.

LANE

We’re not quite done yet, Debbie.  Are you ready to add the final ingredient?

DEBBIE

You bet I am.

LANE (CONT’D)

Is the studio audience ready for this?  This is really gonna blow you away.

AUDIENCE

The audience goes wild.

STUDIO KITCHEN

LANE (CONT’D)

Are you folks at home ready?

DEBBIE

I think they’re ready, Lane.

LANE

Then without further ado.

Debbie bends over and comes back with a tray full of beaver tails.

LANE (CONT’D)

Beaver tails!

Debbie sets the tray on the counter and takes a beaver tail from it, holding it for the audience to see.

LANE (CONT’D)

Would you do the honors, Debbie?

DEBBIE

You bet, Lane.

INSERT - COUNTERTOP

Debbie adds the beaver tail to the ingredients in the Juice Mule’s hopper.  She puts the lid on the Juice Mule.

BACK TO SCENE

LANE

Now fire up that Juice Mule!

Debbie presses a button on the Juice Mule and the ingredients are blended.

INSERT - JUICE MULE

The ingredients blend together, resulting in an unappetizing brownish color.

BACK TO SCENE

DEBBIE

Wow!  Listen to that motor purr!

LANE

You’re not going to get that with any ordinary blender, believe you me.

(beat)

I think that should just about do it.

Debbie turns off the Juice Mule and pours the smoothie into two glasses.  She gives one to Lane.

LANE (CONT’D)

Let’s see here.  What should we toast to?

DEBBIE

To the Juice Mule?

LANE

Great idea!

They clink glasses and drink.

DEBBIE

Wow!  Lane!

LANE

Do you like it?

DEBBIE

(obviously punning)

I’ll be dammed if that isn’t the finest smoothie I’ve ever drank.

LANE

But something tells me that wasn’t your first taste of beaver.

DEBBIE

Lane, you are such a kidder!

LANE

But seriously, folks.  Don’t try this with an ordinary blender.  Only the Juice Mule can do the heavy duty work required to release the awesome power of beaver tails.  Tell me, have you ever heard one of those babies slapping against smooth plane of water early in the morning?

DEBBIE

Can’t say I have.

LANE

It’s something to behold.  Believe you me.