Shitty Waiter
Service with a Slime
INT. BREAD, BROTH, AND BEYOND DINING ROOM - DAY
The room is empty. SUSIE, the manager, turns the sign from “Closed” to “Open.” Mitchell stands at his station.
She looks out through the glass door into the parking lot.
PARKING LOT
The lot is empty.
DINING ROOM
SUSIE
Looks like it’s going to be a slow one.
MITCHELL
It’s feast or famine.
KITCHEN
The Cook reads a copy of Castaneda’s “Tales of Power.”
STOVETOP
Giant pots full of soup are licked by flames from the stove. The soup bubbles, spilling over the sides, HISSING and SIZZLING as it touches the flames.
DISHWASHER
Jim attempts to train his dog.
JIM
Shake, Yngwie. Shake.
Jim holds out his hand. Yngwie BURPS.
WAIT STATION
Mitchell doodles on his ticket book.
INSERT - TICKET BOOK
A stick figure is throwing a family of stick figures into a giant vat of bubbling soup.
BACK TO SCENE
Mitchell is bent over the pad, doodling. The bell on the door CHIMES.
FRONT DOOR
TODD, a roly-poly man of thirty with a pink face, waddles in.
SIGN
A sign at the front reads “Please Wait To Be Seated.”
Todd walks right past it.
DINING ROOM
Todd passes a glaring Mitchell and seats himself at a table for six.
Mitchell picks up a menu and follows Todd to the table.
TABLE FOR SIX
Mitchell tries to hand the menu to Todd, but Todd waves it away.
TODD
I know what I want.
Mitchell readies his pen.
TODD (CONT’D)
I’ll have the ratatouille, hold the eggplant. A glass--
MITCHELL
We don’t have ratatouille today. If you’ll take a look at the menu--
TODD
No, that’s all right. Then I’ll have the beef tamale soup. Could you make that vegetarian?
MITCHELL
It’s made with beef broth.
TODD
Perhaps you could have the chef whip up a quick batch with vegetable broth.
MITCHELL
I sincerely doubt that.
TODD
Oh, and hold the beef.
(beat)
Perhaps he could throw a little tofu in there.
MITCHELL
I don’t think--
TODD
Extra tofu if you could, please. And easy on the cumin. And instead of parsley as a garnish could I have strawberries and whipped cream? On the side, of course.
Mitchell politely opens the menu and holds it out for Todd.
MITCHELL
I could get you something to drink while you look over the menu.
TODD
No need. I know that menu inside out.
(beat)
Do you have gazpacho?
MITCHELL
It’s one of our specialties. A vegetarian soup served cold--
TODD
Well, I’m not in the mood for that. Just because I’m vegetarian doesn’t mean I’ll eat any old thing without meat in it.
MITCHELL
It’s very good. I think you’d enjoy it.
TODD
I sincerely doubt that.
MITCHELL
I really think you should look over the menu. Come on. Be a sport.
There is a rather long pause. Mitchell continues to hold the menu. Todd refused to take it.
TODD
Very well.
He reluctantly takes the menu.
MITCHELL
There you go. It’s not so bad, is it?
TODD
I don’t see why a regular needs to look at a menu!
MITCHELL
How about something to drink.
TODD
I’ll just have water.
WAIT STATION
Mitchell fills a glass with ice and pours water in it.
Todd calls out from his table in the b.g.
TODD
(loudly)
Oh and no ice!
Mitchell pours out the ice water and fills the glass with water only.
TODD (CONT’D)
(calling from across the room)
Could I have that in a wine glass?
Mitchell SIGHS and pours out the water. He takes a red wine glass from the rack and fills it with water, no ice.
He sets it on a tray.
TABLE FOR SIX
Mitchell goes to set down the glass of water.
TODD (CONT’D)
What’s this?
MITCHELL
Your water.
TODD
In a red wine glass? Who puts water in a red wine glass?
(scoffing)
Do you think I’m going to sniff the bouquet or something?
MITCHELL
But--
TODD
Could you put it in a white wine glass? I’m sorry. I don’t mean to be a pain.
MITCHELL turns and walks back toward the wait station. He returns to the table with water in a white wine glass.
He sets it down on the table in front of Todd.
TODD (CONT’D)
No lemon?
DISHWASHER
Jim and his dog watch Mitchell as he throws a stack of dirty plates around the room, SHATTERING them.
MITCHELL
(enraged)
God damn it! Fucking son of a bitch!
TABLE FOR SIX
Mitchell, using tongs, places a lemon slice on the rim of Todd’s water glass.
TODD
You know, now that I think about it, I’d really prefer a lime.
PARKING LOT
Mitchell dumps out a garbage bucket on the only car in the lot. Sludge and refuse cover the hood and windshield.
WAIT STATION
Mitchell slices a lime with a knife.
Mitchell runs his tongue along the tongs before picking up a slice of lime with them.
TABLE FOR SIX
Mitchell uses the tongs to put a slice of lime on the rim of Todd’s glass.
TODD
Thank you very much.
MITCHELL
You’re welcome.
(beat)
Have you had a chance to decide on something to eat?
TODD
I forgot to look over the menu.
(beat)
I’ll tell you what. I’ll take the gazpacho. That’s vegetarian isn’t it?
MITCHELL
Completely.
TODD
Sounds good.
(beat)
But can you have them heat that up?
SUBURBAN HOME - NIGHT
A minivan pulls into the driveway of an upscale home.
Young Man, Young Woman, and Old Woman get out.
YOUNG MAN
(to young woman)
Why don’t you open up the house? I’ll help grandpa get out.
The Young Woman walks to the door and opens it. She goes inside.
Young Man and Old Woman help Old Man out of the minivan.
YOUNG MAN (CONT’D)
What’d you think of the movie, gramps?
OLD MAN
It was boring.
OLD WOMAN
You didn’t seem too bored when that young hussy took off her top.
YOUNG MAN
Well, he’s not dead yet, ma.
A light comes on from inside the house.
OLD MAN
(to himself)
Boobs.
Without warning, an ear-splitting SCREAM rends the night.
OLD WOMAN
What was that?
YOUNG MAN
Barb?
He runs toward the house. The Old Woman and Old Man follow.
INT. LIVING ROOM OF SUBURBAN HOME
Young Woman stands frozen, looking at the carpet. Young Man appears breathless next to her.
YOUNG MAN
What is it?
The Old Woman and Old Man appear in the b.g.
YOUNG WOMAN
Who would do such a thing? What kind of monster?
INSERT - CARPET
A large turd sits atop the otherwise immaculate carpet. A fly BUZZES around it and lands.
