Pizza Grifter

EXT. PIZZERIA - NIGHT

The pizzeria’s sign, “Macaluso’s Pizza,” glows in the night.  Traffic rolls by.

INT. PIZZERIA

VINCE, twenty-eight years old, dressed slickly, paces inside the restaurant.  CUSTOMERS are seated and ordering at the counter.

VINCE (V.O.)

I was working a short con in at my neighborhood pizza joint.  You see, I’d always been good at math.

BOOTH

A MOTHER and her young DAUGHTER sit in the booth with a whole pizza between them.  Vince slides into the seat next to the daughter.  He tweaks her nose.  The daughter giggles.  Vince produces a pizza cutter.  He begins talking to the mother with exaggerated hand gestures.  He puts three dollars on the table and the mother takes it.

VINCE (V.O. - CONT’D)

And there was something else about me that inspired confidence in people.  They trusted me.  I don’t know why, but they did.

He begins to slice their pizza into smaller slices.

INSERT - TABLE

Vince slices the pizza and deftly slips a slice of pizza up his shirtsleeve.

INT. VINCE’S APARTMENT

He enters, rubbing his full belly.

VINCE (V.O. - CONT’D)

Let’s just say I didn’t go hungry.

He plops down on the couch, satisfied.

INT. PIZZERIA - DAY

A PLAINCLOTHESMAN and his PARTNER are seated at a booth with a pizza.  Vince slides into the booth with them.  He begins to talk to them.

VINCE (V.O. - CONT’D)

That isn’t to say that I didn’t have a few close calls.

The Plainclothesman leans forward to help himself to a slice.  His suit jacket opens partially.  A badge and gun are revealed.
Vince, seeing that the man is a cop, suddenly bolts from the booth and out the door.

EXT. PIZZERIA

Vince runs away.  The Plainclothesman and his partner burst through the door and chase him.

EXT. PIZZERIA - NIGHT

Vince paces outside the pizzeria and smokes a cigarette.

VINCE (V.O. - CONT’D)

I was good.  But I knew my luck couldn’t hold out forever.

He flicks his cigarette away and walks toward the entrance.

VINCE (V.O. - CONT’D)

It was time to call it quits.

INT. RESTROOM

Vince splashes water on his face and examines himself in the mirror.  He tears a paper towel from the dispenser and dries his face.

INT. PIZZERIA

Vince leaves the restroom.

The pizzeria door opens and DON FARFALE enters with his nephew STEVIE.  They are two powerful and feared members of the mafia.  Vince sees them and stops in his tracks.

VINCE (V.O. - CONT’D)

I should have just kept on walking right out that door and never looked back.

Don Farfale and Stevie examine the menu above the counter.

STEVIE

What do you say, Uncle Vittorio?  How bout we split a large supreme?

Don Farfale is hesitant.  Vince watches the men intently.

DON FARFALE

I don’t know.  That sounds like an awful lot of pizza.

STEVIE

It’s the best pie in town.  Wait until you get a taste of it.  Mama mia!

DON FARFALE

Still, it’d be awfully filling.

STEVIE

We don’t have to eat it all.  We could get a to-go box.

DON FARFALE

And stink up the car with all that garlic?

STEVIE

If we can’t finish it, we’ll throw the rest away.

He smacks Stevie in the head.

DON FARFALE

Don’t you know it’s a sin to waste food?

STEVIE

Ow.  I know, I know.  But it would be a greater sin for you to not try this pie.

DON FARFALE

If only we had brought someone else along.

VINCE (V.O.)

It was suicide.  I knew it was.  But there it was, laying itself out for the taking, like a pizza cooling unguarded on a windowsill.  This would be the last time, I told myself.  Little did I know then how right I was.

Vince approaches the gangsters.

VINCE

Excuse me, gentlemen.  I couldn’t help but overhear your predicament.

BOOTH

Vince, Don Farfale, and Stevie are seated at a booth.  A SERVER sets down a pizza in front of them.

STEVIE

(with pride)

Hey, Unc, what do you say to that, hah?  It’s like they took down the roof of the Sistine Chapel, threw that motherfucker on a crust, and baked it to the color of the sunrise the morning after you lost your virginity.

VINCE

One-third of a pizza each.  It’s the perfect amount.  You’re fully satisfied without being too full.

DON FARFALE

No, no, no.  Look at this.  It’s all wrong.

STEVIE

What’s wrong?

DON FARFALE

The pizza.  It’s cut into eight slices and there are three of us.  How on earth are we going to split it evenly now?

VINCE (V.O.)

I knew it was time to make my move.  These guys were going to be watching my every step, so the old tuck-up-the-sleeve routine wasn’t going to fly.  But I had a fallback plan.  The mathematics route.  Sure, it was riskier but the rewards would be all the sweeter.  I simply had to confuse them into thinking we would all be getting an equal portion.  Little did they know that it wouldn’t be the case at all.

Vince produces a pizza cutter.

VINCE

That’s easily remedied.  We can each get an equal amount of pizza if I cut two slices in half.  From there we create three subsidiary pieces, smaller than a normal piece, but equal to each other.  Since we already have two full slices each--

STEVIE

Whoa whoa whoa.  Hold on there hotshot.  Don’t talk so fast.

VINCE

It’s simple math really.  You’ve got to trust me.

Stevie searches the faces of the gangsters.  They eye him suspiciously.  There is a long moment of silence.

DON FARFALE

All right.

(beat)

Let him divide it.

(to Vince)

But I’m warning you.  If you fuck me on this pizza, you’ll live to regret it.  Live just long enough to be killed.  By me.

Vince hesitates, then begins to cut two slices into smaller pieces.

VINCE (V.O.)

It was too late to turn back now.  If I showed the slightest sign of hesitation, they’d gut me for sure.  I could only push ahead.  Push ahead and pray that they wouldn’t catch on.

Vince begins to serve pizza to the gangsters.

EXT. PIZZERIA - NIGHT

Vince, Don Farfale, and Stevie, stand outside after their meal.  Vince is obviously very full, almost to the point of discomfort.

DON FARFALE

Well, I think we can all agree that this was a successful business venture.

STEVIE

What did I tell you, Uncle Vittorio?  Are you full or what?

Don Farfale thinks it over.

DON FARFALE

I’d say so.  Yeah.

VINCE

(clutching his belly, panting)

What did I tell you?  One pie split three ways.  It’s the perfect amount.

The gangsters get into their car.

VINCE (V.O.)

Well, I had pulled it off, or at least I thought I had.  I had eaten like a king right under the noses of two of the most vicious gangsters in history.  The pizza had practically crammed itself down my throat.

INT. DON FARFALE’S BEDROOM

Don Farfale is in pajamas, about to get into bed, when his stomach GROWLS.  He pauses.  He picks up the telephone and dials.

DON FARFALE

(into phone)

Stevie.  Something about that pizza just isn’t adding up.  I’m hungry already.

(beat)

You too?

Stevie’s ad lib MUFFLED TIRADE can be heard faintly through Don Farfale’s telephone.

DON FARFALE (CONT’D)

(into phone)

Whoa.  Hold on.  Don’t do anything just yet.  We can’t be sure.  We may be vicious, bloodthirsty gangsters, but we can’t go off half-cocked like that.  It’d sully our reputation.

He hangs up.

He gets into bed and pulls the covers over him.

BED

Don Farfale can’t sleep.  He stares at the ceiling.

Visions dance in the air above his head.  He sees: The symbol for pi, a pie chart divided into eight pieces, a spiral, Avogadro’s number, pi carried out to five decimal points. 
The pie chart is divided further into smaller pieces.  Three plates appear, with the names Don Farfale, Stevie, and Vince on them.  The pie chart splits apart and floats to the separate plates.  The lion’s share of the slices migrate to Vince’s plate.

Suddenly, Don Farfale sits up in bed.

DON FARFALE (CONT’D)

Noooooo!

DON FARFALE (CONT’D)

(into phone)

Stevie.  We’ve been had.  Get out of bed.  We got a worm to de-louse.

EXT. SIDEWALK - NIGHT

Vince walks down the sidewalk.  A car follows him.  He looks over his shoulder nervously.  Suddenly he bolts.

The car doors open and Stevie and Don Farfale exit.  They chase Vince.  He trips and falls.

Stevie picks him up.

STEVIE

We know you screwed us on that pie, man.

DON FARFALE

Are you satisfied?  You look like a man who has a nice, full belly.

VINCE

(lying)

I don’t know what you’re talking about.

DON FARFALE

Stevie, show this fool what we do to people who try to cheat us out of pizza.

Stevie produces a pizza cutter from his jacket.

VINCE

No!  Please!  I’ll do anything!

Stevie lunges toward Vince’s face with the cutter.

VINCE (CONT’D)

Nooooooo!

EXT. PARK - DAY

Vince sits on a bench, facing a pond.  His face is not visible.

VINCE (V.O.)

I was lucky to escape with my life.  I knew I’d never run a con again, in this town or any other.

We see that Vince’s face has been scored with four intersecting lines, giving it the appearance of a pizza sliced into eight pieces.

VINCE (V.O. - CONT’D)

For I would forever bear the mark of a pizza grifter.

FADE OUT:

THE END