Intergaladdict

Episode IV: A New Dope

INT. BRAN SALVO’S APARTMENT - DAY

A filthy, cramped apartment.  BRAN Salvo, aged twenty-six, sits at a cluttered table, poring over a newspaper.  LASCIVIOUS SQUONK, a scrawny, being that looks something like a cross between a squirrel and a parakeet, sits atop the table.  In the b.g. is PEM, Bran’s girlfriend, aged twenty-four.  She lies on the couch, looking bedraggled.

PEM

Did you find one yet?

BRAN

I’m looking, baby, I’m looking.

PEM

We need some money, Bran.  I’m hurting here.  I’m hurting real bad.

BRAN

I’m looking, for Christ’s sake.  There’s nothing out there.

He picks up the newspaper.

BRAN (CONT’D)

Unless you think that I could be a Pipu trainer.

PEM

Anything.  I can’t go on like this.

BRAN

I’d have to clean the stables.

PEM

Too good for a little honest work?

BRAN

I don’t see you out there looking!

PEM

Who’s going to keep the house in order if I work?

BRAN

Have you ever seen a piece of Pipu shit?  It’s the size of a space-Volkswagen!

Lascivious Squonk jumps up and down on the tabletop and LAUGHS.

BRAN (CONT’D)

Look what you’ve made me do!  Lascivious is really riled, now.

He pets Lascivious.  Pem sits up.

PEM

I swear you care about that thing more than you care about me.

BRAN

That’s not true, baby.  You know it isn’t.

He walks to Pem on the couch.

BRAN (CONT’D)

I’m sorry for getting bent out of shape.  There’s nothing more important in the world to me than you.

PEM

I’m sorry, too.  I just worry.  I want to stop, really I do, I’m just afraid.  I’m not ready for that yet.

BRAN

We won’t have to stop.  I’m going to get a job and then we can have all the Quisp we could ever want.  We’ll be up to our eyeballs.

PEM

We can’t go on like this forever, Bran.

BRAN

Okay, okay.  Then we’ll quit.

PEM

No.  Not yet.

BRAN

That’s precisely why I’m going to march down to the Pipu stables and get that job.

He starts to leave.

PEM

Wait!  Bran.

BRAN

What is it?

PEM

You can’t leave like that.  Your earlobes.

We see that Bran’s earlobes are stained blue.

PEM (CONT’D)

They’re gonna take one look at you and know you’re a Quispie.

BRAN

Shit.  Where’re my falsies?

Pem produces a small plastic case.

INSERT - PLASTIC CASE

We see that a pair of prosthetic earlobes are inside.

BACK TO SCENE

BRAN (CONT’D)

What would I do without you?

PEM

Far too much Quisp, no doubt.

She attaches the false earlobes to Bran’s ears.

PEM (CONT’D)

There.  Good as new.

BRAN

Well, I’m off.

PEM

Go get ‘em.

EXT. ANDROMEDA’S NIPPLES BAR

A ramshackle building on the bad edge of town.

INT. ANDROMEDA’S NIPPLES BAR

A wretched hive of scum and villainy.

STAGE

DIDO SPOORLOOS AND THE VOX VINEBOURG SEVEN play their eclectic blend of New-Age Jazz and ferret belches.  They wrap up a song.  There is a
smattering of applause.

DIDO SPOORLOOS

(pumping up crowd)

All right!  Are you ready to get gronkular?

A laser beam is blasted from somewhere in the audience.  Dido Spoorloos narrowly dodges it.

BAR

Bran is at the bar, next to his friend JIMMY THE SQUID.  Jimmy the Squid is a human, age twenty-eight.  His earlobes are stained blue.  Bran and Jimmy the
Squid share a large pitcher of space-beer.

BRAN

And she thinks I have nothing better to do than shovel Pipu shit, just so she can get high.

JIMMY THE SQUID

You gotta cut her loose, man.

BRAN

But I love her.

JIMMY THE SQUID

Wait.  There he goes.

EXIT

BRUMP, A large furry white being in a business suit, slinks out the exit.

BAR

Jimmy the Squid gets up from his seat and heads for the exit.

JIMMY THE SQUID

Come on!  What are we waiting for?

Bran swallows the rest of his space beer and follows.

ALLEY

Bran and Jimmy the Squid follow Brump down a dark alleyway.

JIMMY THE SQUID

(whispering)

Hurry up, man.  You’re letting him get away.

BRAN

Are you sure this is a good idea?

JIMMY THE SQUID

Are you kidding me?  Did you see that bankroll he pulled out when he paid for that drink?

Jimmy the Squid sifts through some rubble and produces an old broom handle.

He trots after Brump.  Bran follows him.

JIMMY THE SQUID

(calling out)

Hey, fuzzy nuts!

Brump turns.

BRUMP

Urrrng?

Jimmy the Squid swings the broom handle.

Brump neatly snatches the broom handle from Jimmy the Squid.

Brump begins to administer a vicious beating.

JIMMY THE SQUID

Aaaah!  Oh!  Oh, my god!  This hurts!  This hurts real bad!

BRAN

Hey!  Knock it off!

Brump looks to Bran and GROWLS.

BRAN (CONT’D)

I mean, let’s be reasonable.  Please, stop.  Please?  For the love of Val-Van-Varkhiemer, the black pebble of the Babaghanoush Nebula, the many-bearded one . . .

Brump ignores his pleas and continues to thrash Jimmy the Squid.

JIMMY THE SQUID

(to Bran)

Since when are you religious?

(suddenly remembering the beating he is in the midst of receiving)

Oh, the agony.  Oh, the pain.  I can’t describe it.  It’s exquisite in its unpleasantness!

Bran runs at Brump.  Brump bears his teeth and ROARS, stopping Bran in his tracks.

Jimmy the Squid lies in the ground in agony.

JIMMY THE SQUID (CONT’D)

This is really bad.

Brump looks at the stick and, bored with it tosses it aside.  He walks away down the alley.

Bran helps Jimmy the Squid up and brushes him off.  Jimmy is bruised and bloodied, his clothes in tatters.

BRAN

Are you all right, man?

JIMMY THE SQUID

(dazedly)

Oh, sure.  I’m fine, man.  Just fine.

He spits out a tooth.

He bends over to pick it up.

INSERT - GROUND
Near the tooth is a large bankroll.

BACK TO SCENE

Jimmy the Squid smiles a gap-toothed smile.  He holds up the bankroll.

JIMMY THE SQUID

Things just got a lot better.

BRAN

It must’ve fallen out of his pocket while he was beating you!

JIMMY THE SQUID

Let’s go!

He runs off.

BRAN

(calling after him)

What about your tooth?

JIMMY THE SQUID

Leave it!

STREET CORNER

A QUISP DEALER, wearing a trench coat and a propeller beanie, stands on the street corner.  Bran and Jimmy the Squid approach him.

JIMMY THE SQUID

Excuse me, my good man.  My esteemed friend and I were hoping to purchase some of your finest Quisp.

ALLEYWAY

Bran and Jimmy the Squid sit in a filthy alleyway.  Bran pulls off his prosthetic earlobes as Jimmy the Squid fiddles with the cap on a small jar of blue goo.

BRAN

Come on, come on.  Hurry up, will you?

JIMMY THE SQUID

Why do they make these darned things so hard to open?

BRAN

Maybe we should wait ‘til we get home.  I’m sure Pem’s really jonesing.

JIMMY THE SQUID

Yeah, we could wait.

(beat)

But maybe we should take the edge off, first.  Coast in there all nice and Quispied out.

BRAN

Yeah.  Pem has been a little harsh lately.  A little goo and her insults’d roll right off.

Jimmy the Squid wrenches the lid off of the jar.

JIMMY THE SQUID

(to the jar)

Ha!  There, motherfucker!

He greedily dips his fingers into the jar and swabs his ears with blue goo.

JIMMY THE SQUID (CONT’D)

Oh, that’s the stuff.

BRAN

Gimme gimme gimme!

He takes the jar and swabs his ears.  He leans back in a state of bliss.

JIMMY THE SQUID

This is some totally gronkular shit, man.

BRAN

Oh, Val-Van-Varkheimer.